She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
