i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
