He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
