What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
