I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She bit a glass in half.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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