I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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