fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
