Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
