Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
