I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
