I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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