WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
