Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
