just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
