I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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