I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
