he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
