Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
