Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
