I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
