I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
