my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
