so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
