Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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