after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
