When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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