hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Randomize
