I feel great
I just peed on a car
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You're like the curious george of whores
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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