Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
