Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
