my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
