my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
