New low: just hacked my moms facebook
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
