Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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