i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
