I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
