Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
