Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
