the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
