I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
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