Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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