My hand turned me down
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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