I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I wish there were birth control emojis
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
