dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
a search helicopter?!
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
