my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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