I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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