why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
