it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
