I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He's a Shit stain on my heart
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
