Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You're like the curious george of whores
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
