i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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