In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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