Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
