so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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