Will you blow on my dice?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
