im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
A+ Viking dick
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
